Sometimes, seemingly out of nowhere, or maybe from something we see or hear, we feel the tug of insecurity, deep in our guts. Who among us hasn’t felt the unpredictability of our emotional lives? Even the people who outwardly seem to be cool, calm, collected individuals feel moments of emotional insecurity.
In life, we might encounter a person who seems emotionally mature and wise. That individual might be a spiritual teacher, a family member, or maybe a chance encounter. People admire this person for her or his diplomatic honesty, fairness, and warm-heartedness. He does not put anyone down, or scapegoat others as compensation for his own shortcomings. This person has an authentic self-effacing manner that comes from the core. He long ago, got over the practice of constructing façades, or “compensating” for some personal lack.
A person who possesses emotional security has no need to put on an act. She has grown mentally strong enough to allow herself to feel vulnerable at times and not apologize for it. Yet, when you witness this person’s vulnerability, it seems to make her seem stronger and more secure.
These rare people are admired for their strong yet compassionate nature. We intuit that somehow their personal strength is a product of their compassion for all things. Have you noticed that the truly balanced, joyful people are those who deeply empathise with others? They seem to focus on the well-being of other people and try their best to build people up and not tear them down. They unconsciously provide a positive example for living, yet they never fall to the temptation to proselytize nor condemn.
The emotionally secure person is like a rock, but doesn’t put on airs of indifference or superiority. That person has coped with many difficult challenges and fully understands that everybody on Earth also has his or her own difficulties. She understands that it is not helpful to strut her stuff.
The emotionally secure person you may know, trusts people, but not in a naïve way. You have the feeling that he can see right through to your core, but will not use that knowledge against you in any way, shape, or form. You understand that he wants you to possess that same inner wisdom, because he has no desire to lord it over other people. He prefers to consort with equals, not preside over underlings. He has no desire for disciples.
You may know the person who focuses on the emotional well-being of others. She uses all the tools at her disposal, be they intuition, logic, or rationality. She supports other people’s sense of calm and helps them get in touch with their own emotional security. Because she is compassionate and empathetic, she knows that to foster dependency is to cause further insecurity and a false sense of happiness.
The emotionally secure person knows that building other people up builds themselves up and strengthens their own emotional security. In that way the strong person has other strong people around him when he, himself, needs a boost to meet life’s difficult challenges. The emotionally strong person fully understands the inherent weaknesses of hierarchial structure.
The secure, strong person is like a fortress, yet she senses the needs of people around her. She is wise enough to know when to lower her guard and allow for passivity and receptivity. She can be a safe harbor for others and is responsive to the feelings of others. At the same time she retains enough objectivity so that she is not sucked into the negativity of emotionally “needy” people. She keeps a wholesome balance between being open and having healthy boundaries.
When you see this strong person, you want to emulate him. At the same time, you don’t want to be subservient to him. You want to be like him and befriend him as an equal. You know that you can learn positive life lessons from him. At the same time he lets you know that he values you for your capacity to be his equal. He has learned the value of true, honest friendship.
The emotionally secure person follows his heart and his mind. He encourages you to do the same.
I hope you know somebody like this or will soon meet that person.
The Blue Jay of Happiness quotes social psychologist Daniel Gilbert. “Your emotions are meant to fluctuate, just like your blood pressure is meant to fluctuate. It’s a system that’s supposed to move back and forth, between happy and unhappy. That’s how the system guides you through the world.”