On Selflessness

In recent years, much has been said about loving oneself and taking care of oneself so as to have enough emotional cushion to be able to help others. This is fine advice that I have found beneficial to my life. However, it is wise to set limits or a boundary on this practice so as to avoid becoming overly self-indulgent and self-centered. A healthy balance between self-concern and selflessness is worth maintaining.

If we step back for a broader view of life, there is individual and social benefit in letting go of biological urges towards dominance. By choosing to periodically examine our lives from a compassionate perspective, we remember that the love of life arises from fulfillment of basic needs, experiencing joy, and having peace of mind. The compassionate perspective allows that everyone else also wishes to experience a happier life.

Compassion asks the question: shouldn’t we want others to feel joy and lessening of suffering? As we care for ourselves, we do not forget caring for others in ways that do not hamper the compassion we have for ourselves. Generosity is a beautiful quality to discover within ourselves. This is the desire to share the gifts of life we have discovered with others. There is also the positive selfishness of having warm feelings that arise from the act of sharing. Up to a point, this means that sharing can also be self-caring. The sensation of “warm fuzzies” often occurs when we share something valuable.

Generosity is a matter of symmetry of feelings. Generosity flows naturally from feeling the wonder of life and the wish that others are deserving of wonder, too. It is generous when we find opportunities to shed our selfishness and power imbalances. We do this in ways that do not extend into “people-pleasing” behavior. Being selfless does not equate with being a doormat. Selflessness includes self-respect and honoring oneself while being helpful to others. A person can only bend backwards so far before one falls to the floor.

“Recognizing truth requires selflessness. You have to leave yourself out of it so you can find out the way things are in themselves, not the way they look to you or how you feel about them or how you would like them to be.”–American philosopher, the late Harry Frankfurt

The old “my way or the highway” type of mindset is ultimately self-destructive and harmful to society at large. Realizing that people have differing opinions that have been formed due to various life conditions, beliefs, and experiences is valuable. We do not live cookie-cutter lives. What we prioritize might not be what others prioritize. This is a matter of overall respectfulness coupled with dignity.

There is also a type of selflessness that is present in the minds of people who serve society in jobs such as emergency medical technicians, firefighters, nurses, doctors, certain ranks of the military, and the citizen bystander who risks life and limb to rescue a fellow human from danger. Many of them put their own wellbeing and lives at risk in the process of protecting and defending others. Heroism and selflessness are partners in the preservation of society. They feel the fear but perform regardless of personal consequences.

Authentic selflessness is not showy, self-righteous, nor virtue signaling. Conspicuous generosity is more about self-promotion than concern for others. One must also be careful not to help people who do not desire our help. Respect for their dignity is another form of generosity. Cultural values and other people’s need to feel self-worth are key. The offering of help should not be a demonstration of social hierarchical imbalance. The most profound generosity affirms basic human equality and value.

At its heart, selflessness is an affirmation of our interconnectedness with others and the Universe. It is a fine quality that strengthens bonds with everyone and everything.

Namaste

The Blue Jay of Happiness quotes American author, businessman, and philanthropist, Daniel Lubetzky. “Relying on the power of kindness is a sensitive undertaking. The challenge is to inspire people to be kind more often without tainting the selflessness that comes from doing something nice with no ulterior motive.”